kranjii

2005-07-22T21:19:00.000+08:00

people are interesting mahines of the puppetery world. And if i had tose strings i would pull and manipulate or rtaher nicely putting it [ha] control basically all of you. ISn't that sweet.
To be unusual is a blessing. Just like being common. You are either a leader or a follwer, sometimes resentfully both. ANd you are never two personalities at once. You may lie and you may change, and you may lie againbut you're always the same.
and
I'm confused so lets stop talking about that.
Anyway. today was what friday. And it started of with me feeling quite so lost. Hmmm. Read sylvia plath's letters to home all the way home on the bus and while walking. This ACS guy kept talking on the bus. and asking me what the book was about. freak him lar. anyway. material stuff and narratives are boring to read aren't they. I lead a boring lifestyle oh wells. I will be struck by inspiration lightning later and blog about my wanted yearning career as a poet/writer.
I love you.

2005-07-19T16:47:00.000+08:00

hello. whatever you say, can't hurt. you know why? i've got many more friends than you.
I have the biggest friend in the whole wide world. GOD. and you don't have that, even though you say you do. and SO many others which are more than your miserable TWO??. HAHA.
today was SO fun, went home with e-hui, took 151 with her, for the first time. haha. we were laughing all the way and quzzing each other on merhcant of venice which i am extremely obsessedabout.today's lis test was SO fun. i tell you SO fun, love lit to bits. la le lo lai.
so happy, tomorrow we are going for kite flying and then the dance performance.
can't wait tonight sleeping late. whoots.

2005-07-15T14:38:00.000+08:00

so many days have passed since that day, but yet the memories have not faded, the scars have not healed. time does not heal, it does not help it hurts. basically it hurts alot. and it doesn't fade at all. forgivving and forgetting is difficult and i won't ever be able to forget that simple day of hurt and scars and sadness. you know sometiomes i harp too much, and yet i have about 100 faces as said by some people.
forget it.
it keeps bothering me.
so don't even TRY to understand.

2005-07-12T06:12:00.000+08:00

ohley. very scared. another debate today and am not prepared at all.
two tests plus.
God help me.

2005-07-10T18:27:00.000+08:00

oh. byebye . i think whatever you said can't hurt me anymore. I just spilled out my whole story to cheryl from youth. and it helped. really. i love you CHERYL!!! c= thanks SO much for listening to me. helped ALOT. <3 you.
byebye little fat one. you've caused me alot of pain. and now alot of happiness

2005-07-09T16:40:00.000+08:00

windchimes. and candles. I love them.
windchimes are wonderful beautiful things, which cling and clang for all they're worth. The music of their beating haunts me, clings to me and never lets me go. They give hollow, moans and groans, or high pitched dainty voices. A choir of columns and shapes, singing to the rythmn of the wind. Following the beat of the sky, the conducting of the sun the accompaniminet of the birds, the background whistling of the world. Windchimes are wonderful, beautiful things. And i would just have one in my room, to listen to its solitare voice, singing above the heads of all others, like a nightingale. Pure, crisp, clean and innocent, Waves of music sweeping over me, enveloping me, hugging me, fondling my cheeks, tousling my hair, raping my body and leaving me naked. Open to the music, enjoying it with nothing to cover me, showing the nakedness of myself my inner soul to the music, letting it tear me apart and rip my thighs , and dance. Dance till my legs are sore and my toes are numb. Dance till my head is dizzy and hands are tired. Dance so that everything's a blurr, and only me and than haunting music is left behind to the world.

Candle, oh candles. They are wonderful beautiful things. Of all different shapes and sizes. A strike of a match, and a flurry of particles, a flame errupts. And it dances, dodging from my grasp, biting me if i manage to get too close. Warming me if i'm careful, and burning me if i'm impertinent, Surely not so. That the candle will go out. The wig burns and gets smaller, as the wax drips, and the scented aroma of lavender greets me with a hug, a kiss and a push. Encloses me like the four walls of a jail. And no i can't escape from it all. Overpwering smell leaves me faint with pleasure. And as i close my eyes to enjoy it all over again, the image of the flame is left in my mind, burned in like a fiery impression of passion and anger and love and desire. Burning impression of determination, perseverance, competitiveness. Burning illusion of hard cold success. And i would put a candle in my room, no i would take my candle to the roads, and switch off all the lights and watch the sky, watch everything becoming illuminated, enlightened and rejuvenated with light, with that determined flickering flame of love. I would just sit and watch, be transported into another world with just me and my candle.

Has it ever occured to you, how these two things are wonderful. And i know they are, in my eyes they are wonderful. in my eyes, they are brilliant in my eyes they are miracles.

Miracles. Just like the haunting note of every windchime, just like that flickering flame of every candle. That would just as former and latter lvoe us, and give us a jolt that we live in relaity and forget the little wonders of lfie that we all tkae for granted, take and never give back. We play a little game of catch and chase with the world don't we?Running from the truth somtimes, and puruing it sometimes.

I want to sit on a field of grass. Just the green green grass. With nothing ahead and nothing behind but green green grass and pluck the grass. And appreciate its invigorating smell. Like the speech of an inspiring person. Which cleanses my mind and fits the jigsaw together. Oh i want to do that.

So. as the windchimes play their song and the candle waves. I want to dance in a field of grass. To that music, by that light, in that pure land.

2005-07-09T13:11:00.000+08:00

i am tired. of you. completely. you make me sick. you hear? sick. you disgust me completely.

i am looking forward to doing CIP with alicea. I realised i haven't been blogging very often, but fine. There isn't very much to say.

just that:

two short people are a laughlike seqUINS and hOUSES.

2005-07-08T16:21:00.000+08:00

none of you. no none of you know how i feel right now. its a misture of emotions that hurt so bad, just so bad its terrifying.

I'm extrememly frustrated. You know. no you don't You never will, because you are in SYF and you are in madcapp. I'll never forget that week when i had got into public comm, for SYF and you know i actually felt bad for you, i comforted you. Yet when the next week you were selected for public comm role, because Miss Chua had got mixed up, you never comforted me, you gloated. Do you know how much hate i've gathered for you. yes, you do. Then i begged Miss Xie for a backstage role, begged literally, with michelle, yet one day you came to tell me that you had got the backstage role. When you didn't even ask. You never even told Miss Xie that i wanted it so bad, just so bad. And that's what i would have done for you. It justt goes to show you aren't a good friend a true friend.

No compassion was showed, no love no care no comfort. I hated you for that, you not only did not defend me you also shytted me out.

Then, because you did better in english than me, Miss Seah liked you better. She always asked you to do things. Yet you never told her that i was the one who collected the papers countless times, while you did nothing, every monday morning it is me who takes the newspapers with no support or help from you. Why steal credit when you did shit nothing.

And then, after being patient with you for so long this is what you do to me. Dump me for your ____uin. and saying that you love your ____uin SO MUCH!!! MUAKIEESSS. have you ever done that to me? No. The next day when you came to school, you ingnored me completely and talked to your freaking ____uin. And then tapped me on the back expecting me to become friends with you again. I should have known.

Do you want me to count the number of times you've hurt me? I'll do it for you.
1. Last year when i first joined your group
2. when you did not want me in your group anymore and told all people not to like me.
3. Sent vulgar and hurting messegas to me on MSN
4. sang songs about me in front of the class
5. was sacarstic to all my new friends
6. joined you again
7. did not want me in your group anymore, kicked me out.
8. ridiculed me
9. asked me to join your group again
10. kicked me out
At this point you yourself got kicked out, and guess what I did? i became your friend again. This was the biggest mistake of my life.
11. ignored me when you and JH went together
12. kicked me out ouf the JH and you group
13. brought me back to the JH and you group
14. changed places with JH without even telling me
15. kicked JH out and came back with me
16. did nothing for ANY of the projects
17. ignored me for one whole day
18. said you loved _______ and not me and told everybody
19. used emotional blackmail against me when i told you i was not going to take it anymore.
20. getting the role in SYF and not even helping me

I hate you
so much. and one day i'm going to get my vengeance against you. For all 20 major thinggs you've done to me and many more minor hurtful things as well. I hope you rot and die.

As i told Alciea today, i want to kill you.
[figuratively speaking]

2005-07-05T19:15:00.000+08:00

debate is over. today was an extremely nerver-racking day. After two test, the debate, and then the results of my intermediate ballet exams.I am a very happy girl today. I managed to live through my tests, and for the first time in my secondary two life, i managed to get through the math paper, i was very lucky for history because i had done the structured essay questions before. AND. we won the debate against 2perseverance. I was extremely happy [beams]. Thumbs up to yun hui and camilla who did GREAT jobs!!! so proud of you two. XD.
when i came home, i realised that my ballet teacher had been calling me like my mad. And now i am mad too.
I got high honours for my intermediate ballet exam, 92%. I am extremely happy.
you think this is a very boring post right.
humph.
kexin is extremely happy

2005-07-04T16:46:00.000+08:00

i am having BAD withdrawal symptoms from my books. After the holidays where like every afternoon i would read, starting schoolseems to be getting more and more difficult. I am extremely tempted to pick up tony parsons "man and wife" to read it, but much to my disconsternation i can't. School is such a restriction.

i want to so badly write, but somehow i can't seen to churn out anything, so it's scaring me a little that i'm getting zero inspiration over anything. I wonder how i used to write so much. but i guess writing just comes to you.

let em try again

2005-07-04T16:42:00.000+08:00

i think i have just about decided to take full literature next year. I love lit first of all, i love to write and read and talk and read and write and express myself through words as you all probably know already. Therefore i have decided to take full lit, half history and social studies.

Debate practice has just ended and after about 3 gruelling hours of hardwork we are well "ready". I'm pretty nervous about debating as third soeaker, what if there is nothing to say. Well i'll try my best because i badly want sincerity to win.

something else to blog about shall do another post

i realise i do that very often, saying that i have something else to blog about and put it on another post. well i don't care what you think.

2005-07-04T10:25:00.000+08:00

there are so many lies a person can tell, that it'll fill the ocean. so many smiles a person can give that it'll fill the desert. so many hand shakes a person can shake that it'll fill the fields.
so many persons a person can love, that its is solitary. loving a person is extremely difficult. there's always that nagging suspicion, that possesive spirit, that horrible outcome, that misunderstood situation, that akward moment, that intimate second, that emotional hour, that one day.
But somehow, i think love can't be measured by time. Constantly being reminded by my parents of how i should at least dtae a guy for five years before i marry him, alwyas nags me.I think that concept is wrong.
If you love someone, you would want tobe with him for the rest of your life. Imagine if somebody proposed to you, or imagine if i was a guy and i proposed to somebody, and that person told me that she'll think about it.
She went home to weig my pro'sand con'sand then checked my bank account.

No. Thats not the kind of think first feel later person i would want to marry anymore. I wuold want to marry someone who would jump int o my arms and say i do immediately.

I am not saying that we shoudl have "hollywood" marriages where, after knowing a person for about 2 hours, you go and get married. no.

but love is something you have to feel not think about.

And thats why i love you.

2005-07-03T17:34:00.000+08:00

must i always be walking in your shadow. sometimes i feel like i don;t exist, because people never even realise me once you're there. You're like a table map,and me a measly candle which has run out of wax, and all the people have only seen your light, and although i have shone mine, it seeme negligible, unnoticeable, useless, pathetic, tiny, nothing. it has alwyas been this way. since about two years ago. the first time it happened, i couldn't understand why. why you were that were. and my jealousy of you just got stroinger, i knew it was wrong, but i am only human after all. you never realised it of course, although i felt it, i never really showed. Not to anybody. and you didn't have the tactfulness to wonder why sometimes when youn asked me how you did, i mumbles something uncomprehensible and walked out. no.

you had to press on, kept bothering me, kept pushing me, badgering me. None did you know i was already tethering on the edge, you kicked me off, and that was the last straw

like a drowning man, i flialed my arms terribly, asking, pleading for you to help me, catch me, save me from my horrible predicament, but all you could do was stare and stare. with unflinching, unblinking, unfeeling eyes. with cold, iron amusement form your heart. i felt you like ice you were.

and if looks could kill, i would have 14 stabs through my body. you never knew. and yet at the same time, i felt you did. its happened countless amounts of time. people taking pity on me, because they're afriad that i'll be left out and not feel like i'm "included"

well, thanks for your pity, but no thanks. i do not wallow anymore, i swim. and i swim through it all. through self pity, through problems, jealousy, obstructions, violence, anger, sadness, tears, masks, everything.

i hate you for this you know? i can never be myself so i can live up to you. Its so sad i have to see you every single day of my life. sometimes i just wish i could lock myself up in a strait jacket and jump into a potato sack, where all i could see would be darkness. and iw ouldn't even try to struggle, just close my eyes and try to sleep.

does it seem that difficult for you to give me a chance. The answer is yes, because you never seem tactful enough to consider my feelings. the whole point is i'm totally tired of you, just don't need you, don't want you anymore.

causing my problems, making things even worse, trying to help but irritating me instead. When you are nice i am suspicious because i am afraid that you will have outerior motives, and when you are horrible to me, i cry.

every night, i cry. can't stop flowing those tears of hurt and anger and jealousy and painlless stabs go through my heart because i am numb wiht my fists balled and my neck tense i want to sleep, but everythings just so blurry.

Won't you let me be myself.

2005-07-03T17:30:00.000+08:00

GAH. debate is on tuesday. i'm pretty nervous, have been doing a but of research and thinking, but i still think the motion is like crap

"This House will legalise prostitution"

~~bloody 'ell~~

okay enough of that. today i had an extremely fufilling experience in church. in the chapel, with my beloved sOc [seekers of christ]. I just love the youth. as we sang one voice, i was absolutely touched.

yay for the youth. anyway, welcome to amos for becoming our new preacher. we gave him a "my little pony" helium balloon, right in the dunman hall where all the adults were. which was so embarrassing for him.. time to do another post something i have to get of my chest.

2005-07-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

bah. its been such a hot day. very hot.
dying.

criss coss pyjamas, are an inspiration.
because of them, i have managed to write 5 pages of prose and 3 poems. how great is that. i am so happy. but i don't sound it do i. its that dead mask thing again. i know it. outside is a amsk, a costume, and my whole life is a masquerade, and all of you are just players. Do i have any feelings, sentiment or emtoions towards any of you. No. Does that make sense, considering i would be duly depressed and irrational if any of you do leave me.I think billowing curtains are great. i waint to be the wind. and blow all of you away. so i can sweep across the cold barren earth, and not have you getting in my way.
i think what you said was wrong. If you do not deserve those marks, you shouldn't pretend that they are yours. You were a person i used to think highly of. Now i know who you really are. After you had been swatted, you used your spare tyre. i think thats totally unfair. Using people like that is just bad. i think you need a personality make over. Alot of people think you're nice. But after all they're going to realise that you're just impersations, shadows and lies. And when they get down to your bone, blood and flesh. They'll find it rotten.
Does this whole post make sense?
reading: Landmarks in the Law, by Lord Denning. I'm starting to read up some law books, because i've decided that i really do want to study law and become a litigation lawyer. i think the book is really interesting. as some 14 year old teenager in america would say about her eye-liner from STILA lip gloss. its fab. totally man.
these are the tests coming up.
1. math ,things being tested: pythagoras theorem, area and volume of prism, cone, pyramid, sphers, hemisphers, and all the other thingos. Trigo. trig ratios like cosign, sin, and tangent.Also quadratic equations and whatever youve learnt so far ~~what the hell~~
2. History.Open book test on chapter 8, communism, NS riots, hock lee bus riots, lim chin siong, maria hertogh riots, skill one from workbook cause and effect
3. science, practical. prac 1,2,3 from the worksheets. must know how to draw tables. Chemical convertions and reactions.
4. science ~~again~~ theory. chapter 13, 14 and 15. on ecology, nutrient cycles and ecosystems. everything from ask and learn eco 1, and 2 and also BBC bite sized revision.
5. Geograhy chapter 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 ,24. on acessibility, and land reclamation
6. Literature. Mercahnt of Venice act one. Essay test.
7.geogprahy project. On ozone layer depletion. Presentation
8. CME project on the fundamental liberties of everysingaporean including the moral and legal reposibilities ~~crap~~
9. chinese project. teaching assignment, the chpater on friendship.

shit.

Things to do
1. revise pythagoras theorem
2. revise area and volume
3. verise trigo and trig ratios
4. practise all 3 revision topics
5. pratise again.
6. learn chemical reactions and changes
7. learn prac 1,2, and 3
8. learn sciencec chapter 13
9. learn science chapter 14
10. learn science chapter 15
11. go through bite size revision on BBC
12. go through ask n learn eco 1
13. learn history chapter 8
14. revise questions on chap 8
15. revise source based and structured essay techniques
16. revise cause and effect techniques
17. read mercahnt of venice act one to act two
18. revise geog 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 , 24.
19. do chinese workbook 25
20.do chinese ke tang bi ji 25
21. finish CME project
22.start on chinese project.
23. dp presentation for geog project.
24. bible study
25. scream into a pilow

this is so ~~shit~~

2005-07-01T18:12:00.000+08:00

Him.Her.
Hers.
A little girl, couldn't have aged above 8 or 9. Carrying a large schoolbag, ith old school shoes. The ones with no valcro nor shoelaces, just slip-on's. Her long black hair in one long ponytail behind her. Independantly not wanting her mother to carry her bag for her, wanting to do it herself.

His.
A man aging, a balding patch forming on his head, little slivery hairs just teasing the tuft of his hair. Head in hands, his eyes are closed, suitcase of laptop and black are placed on his lap. Shirt is untucked, unkempt and unpresentable. Thinking his own thoughts, in hiw own world.

Hers.
A woman of about 40.Looking motherly and very un=excutive like. Carrying large bags of "Four-leaves" pastries and NTUC plastic bags. She sis, with the chinese newpapers laid at her lap, reading but actually thinking of her children. Soon her eyes close, she drifts of too sleep. ANd one solitarydonought rolls off, across the floor.

His.
Definetely, husband material. Crimped to the crisp shirt, neat slacks, and shoes polished. Hair not gelled, nor dyed. Simple, sincere. Wallet empty.

Hers.
School girl of about 14. Carrying her back too low for herself so that she could be "cool". Folding her skirt, and feeling the zip jab her waist, tucking and folding her PE T-shirt, so that nobody would think she was a "nerd".But she just really did n't think of her socks/

His.
Old man. Lived a life through. Eighty, taking MRT rides to see his grandchildren, when he gets the subsidised rates. Wondering when he is to leave the earth. Soon, he is put in an old fols home.

Hers.
Ah lian. Teenager of about 18.Hair dyed pink, white and green. Wearing dog collar chokers around her neck. Her fingernails long and painted black. Wearing a fake fox fur covered shirt. And pink leggers made of spandex. Topped off with 9inch platform shoes and stripey socks. Inside, she wears a Bee Gee's bra.

His.
In love. Looking at her across the MRT. Wondreing what her voice sounds like, what she thinks of.Amazed by the look of her. Just gazing her. Hoping she'll notice him. Next stop, a guy walks in, puts his arms arounds her and hugs the girl.

Hers.
Heartbroken. Taking MRT trip after MRT trip to while away the time, the pain, the everything. She is numb.

His.
Hers.

2005-06-30T22:43:00.000+08:00

tired.
6.00-1.40 school
1.40-2.00 lunch
2.00-5.30 drama
5.30-6.30-travelled home
6.30-7.30- geog project
7.30-8.30 geog project and dinner
8.30-11.00-geogproject
early night.
tired.
^_^

2005-06-30T18:59:00.000+08:00

wah. i am so tired after drama. ended late today. but it was really fun!
freaking surprising though. i thought it was going to be another one boring thing. but it turned out to be really good. what ever. yes, i am actually saying this to myself.
i have stopped feeling pissed with drama..
today when going home with chee zi han [very cute junior], we were walking home when i saw 153, which is a bus i can take. and she wouldn't let me go! i tell you she's damn strong, she kept pulling my bag, and i was so afraid it would break, and she wouldn't believe that it was drizzling
anyway, wanna buy a bag from montique, its that one which michelle has, about $20, anyone want to buy for me?
i just freaking realised that we have to pass uo geog tomorrow.BOO!. probably sleep quite late tonight. this post feels weird.
i think becuase its a happy post and most of my posts have been pretty morbid.
whatever, must post more
see you later.

2005-06-29T16:27:00.000+08:00

i think this just sucks. you hear me, sucks.
after one whole freaking bloody year in drama. this is what we get. well my foot.
can't stnd it anymore.
wasn't chosen for SYF, even though i participated like shit throughout the whole freaking thing. did open house, orientation, geylang crap.and all wasted time. just great
great.
now when some new girl comes along in drama for a measly 6 months, she gets the freaking role we weren't even informed about, even after being in drama for a freaking 18 months, and attending workshop after workshop. she just comes and gets the role.
after requesting, begging and asking, we wern't given the backstage role in the first place, gave it to someone else who didn't even ask! and then now this
freaking hell. so sick, tired of this. this is so bloody freaking unfair
i am so sick of this
do you know how pissed i am?
very.

2005-06-29T07:08:00.000+08:00

sunrise.

ah. today the sun is hiding behind the clouds. It is a dark morning.

it was a cool night, now comes the consequences.

rain.

2005-06-27T17:11:00.000+08:00

school sarted today. By accident, i am sitting with Alicea. Yay. I am so afraid that i will get five demerit points for slandering and detention, shan't say much. But I will get new URL . Very scared of prefects now. School rules are getting to be extremely strict. Very scared. Don't want to be suspended or expelled.

2005-06-26T16:29:00.000+08:00

shit. this can't be happening to me. no way. i just got over it,can't be another one.shit. sorry, for the crude language of such, but please do pardon me for i am at lost.
This is not like my usual posts, for they are normally, well normal, and talking about other things. This is the slutty part of my blog.
I have a ~~freaking bloody~~ crush.
Trust me to do that again.

2005-06-26T16:15:00.000+08:00

From ages 7-18, tomorrow is the day. And as we ALL know what IT is i'm not going to mention it. Just acts as a useless reminder which bounces of a trampoline of ears.
Do you all know what it feels like to wake up. This is a passive post by the way.
Do you all know what it feels like to wake up. Your eyes are groggy, and slow, your body slack and loose. Your mind inactive and inable. Your senses insensitive and confused. You are at your most vulnerable. For anything, anyone to strike. For a rapist to make his first move and pounce, for a mother to splask cold freezing water, for a cockroach to crawl on.

There is also the feeling of comfort, from a soft pillow, and a cottony bloster. All is lost when you sink between those warm sheets. You loose it. The blanket seems so silky, the sheets seem to fit in with the curves on your body. The matress soft and bouncy, the pillow plump and pregnant, the bloster just wanting to be hugged. And you do. Is it that difficult to sleep? Or crash as you "youngsters" call it. [i AM YOUNG!].

Sleeping, many people call it a hobby. Well i think thats rather attention seeking and trying to be amusing and funny. Sleeping is not a hobby. A hobby is something you do in your free time, when you do not need to work, or study, and you enjoy it.

I am sorry to say that you don't enjoy sleeping, because when you are sleeping you can't really feel anything. What's there to enjoy. Whats there to "hobby" about.

Sleeping is a neccesity, too bad its such a good one.

2005-06-25T13:02:00.000+08:00

I was taken in by the beauty of the rain this morning.The wind was blowing hard, pushing the trees to and fro. The leaves and firs of each tree falling like dominoes in a row. The shy dark, the clouds full, firm and 9 months pregnant. The sky a grey canopy, enveloping the world. Or the world i could see. Looking out from my window, i saw. I saw. I saw the HDB flats, and a piece of undeveloped land. But, the beauty of the rain blurred my vision, causing the flats to look like lights, because of the corridor lamps. And each light representing a little hope of a little family. I saw the land. Being nourished, replenished, by the water. The rain droplets caressing the leaves of the grass, hitting the soil, spalshing the grit, the grind, the dirt. Leaving bubbles of water as a memory that they were there.

As the rain water lashed, falling in slanted lines, moving with the wind, dotted my window, dotted my face, refreshed my eye. Let me see again. Tickled my ears, kissed my nose, fondled my cheeks, encompassed me. I was caught in the moment, caught red-handed by the rain.Guilty that I had been watching it without permission. And guilty that i could aprreciate such beauty without paying or any form of return appreciation.

As i drew my head back from the window, i saw the rain getting further away from me. The hope lights getting smaller, the undeveloped land getting compressed. The image was stencilled in my mind.

That of the wind bloqing, the trees swaying, the rain lashing, the sky dark and heavy, the land refreshed, the hope renewed, and my spirit rejuvenated.

The rain. Lets not take it for granted. Lets not use it as a water cycle. Lets not use it as bathing water, drinking water, cleaning water, toilet water, sewage water.

Lets take it as water.

Plain and simple water. That falls from the sky, every know and then. With signs of dark pregnant clouds. A little surprise a little treat from up there. To clean the world of whatever, to fill the world with clean liquids, To wash away the sadness to bring back hope.

Lets take it as water.

As water which gives the sun a break. Allows the burning fire ball to rest and take a deep breath, or a 100 or so forty-winks. Lets take the rain as break. To allow as to reflect through blurred water, to allow us to think through fripping raindrops on the roof. To allow us to pray of people not like us.

Not sheltered in a home, with warmth and comfort. Not hugged tightly by close knit relationships. Instead, slapped by loneliness, trudging through flooded and ill-drained pavements and roads. Shunned by umbrella carrying people. Using a piece of cardboard to shelter themselves. And that cardboard will soon go soggy,it will no more give protection and it will be no more help for comfort.

Lets pray for them.

The rain. Brings many things. Hope, wet, moist, cold. And let me not say something as cliche as after the rain the sun always comes out. But let me say that instead of appreciating the sun coming out after the rain, let us

just

appreciate the rain.

As a whole, not caring of before or after. Not wondering of later or maybe.Not wanting, not desiring, not lusting. Just watching, and thinking of nothing. Let your mind go blank. Transport yourself to another world. Where everything is white and pure, and you are dancing i the wind, in the rain. With your dress clinging to your body. Your hair stuck to your face. And your tears invisible, as the rain conceals.

And even maybe, Yes you should. Go take a walk in the rain. Come join me. Come on.

2005-06-25T09:00:00.000+08:00

hello. I slept at 2 a.m. last night. and spent one whole hour awake thinking. i can't recall what i was thinking about. But that happens to me many times. I shall tell you one more thing about my self. I sleep walk. Yes, i do. You may think that i am mad, but i do. Espicially when i'm worried about something. Like that time i had an english test, and i was very scared, i slept walk to my parents room, and woke them up, when they asked me what was wrong, i just kept saying english.

Another time, i was not espicially worries about something, but then i slept walk to my parents room, woke up my mother. When she asked me what was wrong i just kepy saying water.

And, when she asked me what was wrong, i rememebr having to think really hard before coming up with water, then affirming it in my mind. But i knew that there was something else that was troubling me.

At first, i did not know that i sleep-walked. But since my parents told me, that i kept coming to them, telling them funny things about water, english, or even banners. I've come to a realisation that i do sleepwalk.

My mum says that it's ery dangerous as i can just walk out the door and get knocked down by a car.

I kind of like sleepwalking though. It's like walking in your dream. Unawareof what is happening and just doing waht affects you and what you are thinking about, without any other people reprimanding you, or constricting you, cordoning you from your self creativity, which strangles your perception, murders your passion, and kills your want.

Creative Perception, and creativity in its own, is wonderful. Everyone may not be as creative as another person, but each one has a bit. I love creativity, because it allows us to think out of the box, and think in unique, diferent manners, with practically no boundries from others. The point is, even though some people have creative minds, they don't use them. Instead of becoming, deisgners, or inventors, they become scientisits, bio-technology researchers, engineers, or air-con repairmen. Wherease, those people with little creativity, have a self inflated ego, and think they do. Causing their "creativity" products to be crap.

I guess in this society, the straight path, is to get more than 260 for PSLE, then got no less than 6 points for O'levels, and no less than 3 A's one B or even 4A's for A'levels. Followed by going to the National University of SIngapore, National Techcnical University is out of the question. Then get a degree with higher hounours, no less. Followed by getting married, to a wife who is not as clever as you, or a husband who is much more clever than you. Having children. Then making sure your own children get more than 260 for PSLE... and then your children will do it to your grandchildren and so on and so on. This cycle isn't that bad, but i feel that it may restrict creativity, causing the crap products.

So, the bottom line is, if you have the talent, and if you have the creativity, use it.

~~I am not saying that creative products are crap, but i do not exactly support creative either.~~

lets hope you know now.

2005-06-24T18:05:00.000+08:00

Imagine if.
Imagine if i was a tree. I would spread my branches over people, casting a shadow. I would be their protector from the sun, my branches would be their comfort, my trunk their pillar of support. Underneath me they would talk, laugh, kiss, and romance.

Imagine if i was the wind, i would sweep over the earth. Caressing your skin, ruffling your hair, like a fond and loving mother. I would sweep you from your feet, awaken you to your problems

Imagine if i was the cold. I would bite your skin, and crack your lips. Whip your body, puch you back. Throw your hair to the other side, and sting your eyes.

Imagine if i was a cockerel, i would crow at 5.15 am every morning, so that everybody will wake up, have 45 minutes to think about the day before, how to improve it, and then watch the beautiful sunrise. I would not mate with hens, because they are losers. ~~and they peck at me~~

Imagine if i was a book, i would open up, and transport people to another world. World's that they have nervr hear, seen or thought of. I would make them feel, happy, sad, depressed, romantic, whatever,whenever, so they could decide which feeling they liked best. ~~hopefully hapiness and peace~~

Imagine i i was music, i would go high and low, swoop and dip. Touch your heart and move you soul. Fet you to move your fingers and toes to the beat. To dance.

Imagine if i was me.
and, i am me.
and i'm truly contented with JUST being me.

2005-06-23T10:09:00.000+08:00

happiness. What exactly is it. What makes us become happy.
So many people who know me, espicially after 12 or 13, know that i am an extremely happy ~~whatever that means~~ person. Yet i am at the same time, very emotional, and therefore cry easily. The phrase " do not wear your heart on your sleeve, is basically a cliche, annoying string of rubbish which people say to make them sound ~~bloody~~ clever. I have been happy for such a long time, that i am tired of it.
My jaws are tired from smiling and smiling, my lips tired from strectchong and laughing, my mouth tired from talking, encouraginf, consoling. My arms tired from hugging, shaking, patting the back. My legs tired from walking lighlty and not with heavy steps, my head tired from being held up high and not bent down. My ears tired from listening to secrets, problems. My mind tired from holding it all up, never chaning.

I am so tired. Just so tired. of being happy. Is that a good thing? Or am in self denial. It confuses me so.

The second thing i have to spell out loud to myself [i can't understand things unless i do them, or write them out]. I had a crush. You all may think that as a 14 year girl, i am not obligated to like or love anyone. Well, your dreams are shattered. I did like someone, and in fact only one person in the whole world [besides God] knew about it. SHe kept my secret well. I have stopped like that person, much to my annyonce. Puppy love and infatuation can sweep you away as fast as they can throw you back.

This post sounds like it was written by a highly obnoxious, self egoistic, arrogant, slutty person

I AM NOT.

2005-06-23T09:59:00.000+08:00

time passes so quickly, and before i know it, the holidays are ending. During the holidays, whiney complains from smaller children, juniors and even seniors, just get on my nerver. Like for example, how holiday homework is such an irony. Grating my nerves like ginger, falling like carrots. But yet, come what my way, i have lived through the dreadful holidays. I am sorry, and deeply remoreseful to say, that , i am looking forward to school. Life takes on a boring toll without going to school, doing new things and attending lessons. I just went to xinyun's blog and i took this writer quiz, so this is the kind of writer i am :

I have something to blog about.... something.

2005-06-15T18:23:00.000+08:00

am in e-hui's house now. yea. i am
byebye

2005-06-15T13:56:00.000+08:00

cancel the last post. cancelcancelcancelcancelcancel. it was a draft!! didn't know it would come out. but yes, please cancel it!. i'm not doing any series or anything.

i'm going to e-hui's house soon, leaving the house soon as well. well time to go.

2005-06-14T14:38:00.000+08:00

hi. i'm starting a new series its called " For the First Time" and "what i want". If you all havent realised i've actually been trying out different series. The last one i just did was the " Emotions" series. The one which talked about what i felt and true emotions close to me. I didnt tell you all about it though. But now i'm saying that i'm starting a new series. I guess cause i need to feel like everyday i do something new, and experience somethig for the first time. It can be minor, like for the first time o brushed my teeth twice. or it can be major, like for the first time i realised i have to live. someting like that. So every post will start with
Today, for the first time.....
-----------------------------------------------
blahdadiblahdadiblah

Okay. i shall start it tomorrow. ~~aren't i the procrastinator???~~
thats all folks
kexin loves all
kranjii digs up MORE soil

2005-06-13T17:07:00.000+08:00

Contented.

Thats me.

Right now, thats what i'm feeling. The whole day i have been doing nice things to myself. I was reading the whole day. Reading is so very fufilling.

And so is church camp !!

i'm dying to go.

Please let me be more discipline.

PLEASE!

2005-06-12T16:47:00.000+08:00

hi. i'm back from hongkong. i had a wonderful time, just thinking about the times that i had with my family makes me smile. When we went shopping together, laughing, sitting in the MTR, in the bus, on the plane, in the hotel. I feel like crying just thinking about all those good times. Yupp. i have to start studying tomorrow, and all the time, i'll be thinking, at this time what were we doing. Like at thie time yesterday, we were boarding the bus to go to the airport. *sighs and smiles*

love kexin.

2005-06-09T16:31:00.000+08:00

WAHAHA!! i am in honk kong now!! and i actually have interent access in this cofee house. bleh. hahas guess what i bought a GUN!! wahaha. nope, its rubber band and its wooden. bahaha. i'm quite mad.
i want to apologise to dear diary because i couldn't write in it on the plane. I HAD MOTION SICKness. thats so bleh. anyways, i sat a roller coaster today. and i completely freaked out. i was so damn scared. and throughout the whole ride i was screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming. well. you got the point. i guess. the other half of the time, i was like telling my brother that "i'm SO scared
bleh
i gotaago. not be able to blog till i think when i get back whahahaha. okay, thats all
byebye bybe
ps: i miss kranjii LOTSLOTSLOTS !! whaha
e-hui i love you !! =]
=]
=]
=]
wAAHAH

2005-06-07T16:09:00.000+08:00

ahh. feels good to be able to write again. feels SO good. i am hapy
and jia hui even if you DO ignore me, i don't really care anymore.
=]
=]
=]
=]
=]
i am so happy
feel like changing blog layout shall go see now. but i feel bad for e-hui cause she helped put my pics there. :[ sorry e-hui!
hahaha i am so happy! i feel so carefree. its as if a have really flown away.

2005-06-06T14:27:00.000+08:00

ahh. time to do shoutouts

E-Hui: Hi E-Hui !! you've been a wonderful friend supporting me through all the bad times i went through. Helping me with natalie and being absolutely supportive in literature project and science project. Love you lots!!

Pearlyn: Hiyo pearlyn. The pro-pet bottle rocketers. You're really good at your studying and stuff so don't be discouraged by your mum kae? won't ever forget that time we went to get the pet bottle rocket together behind the track seats. love you truckloads

Alicea: BOO alicea. the anorexic person of the year. Would once again like to apologise for spurting raspberry F&N all over you when you did that funny pout thing! HAHA =] anyway. love you all the same because you are NICE!!! HAHA

Lucinda: Hello mother! hahas. thanks for keeping all my secrets and my crushes. Hope to sleep over again! Its been really fun!

Cheryl: HI "boyfriend" hahas. Hope to keep carrying out the tradition of sleepover first camp later ! hahas...great to have you in outreach with me !love you loads. and GET WELL SOON DARLING!

Laura: Hey dancer! hahahah. its been great knowing you. and thanks for helping me out in sc and everything! really appreciate it ! and we're going to bunk together and be in the same group as each other for church camp! whoopie!

Ahhh.. the GOOD shoutouts to girls are done. now its time for the good shoutouts to guys. hahas. don't think i have a crush on them or anything! i'll SMACK you! whoopie

Joshua Woo: hey josh! and bible study leader! throughout the first six months of bible study! you've explained alot to me and clarified many of the things i couldn't understand, although sometimes i was moreconfused by your explanations than i was before. i think i'll be able to understand you some day! keep your faith in GOD.

Joashua Lim: yoozzz.. hahas. although me laura and you are forever 'debating' in BS. i think you're a great guy. thanks for being such a wonderful partener in hearts and being so nice in bringing other people to our church. you're in my group for church camp too!! hahas

Benedict Lim: Why am i thanking you?? hahas.,. okay, okay. I shall thank you for being a great youth camp group memebr last year. GLUE ROCKS THE HOUSE DOWN!and thanks for pointing out to me that i didn't take a bulletin and then i realisedthat i did so i ended up with THREE BULLETINS. humph. aniwaes jia you.

ahh..i have many more guys to thank but i kinda forgot who. so shall update this post later

ahh. now its time for 'good' and 'bad' shout outs

Jia hui: its now that i relaise your comments don't count anymore.i want to thank you for making me stronger and learning that i can't take your comments seriously because they aren't exactly intentional.thank you .

Hui shan: we had GREAT times together and we shall carry on being GOOD friends. Not BEST friends. Love You.
ahh. the last few shoutouts

Family: for sticking by me, although we've had our problems we always get back together. love you all!!

Books and writing: ahh. this is my passion. i would like to thank "you all" for being my comfort.

Dance: ahh. another passion of mine. would like to thank this activity for being available to me and allowing me to express myself in ways unimaginable

God: Thank you god for all you've given me. i now know how important you are in my life. and that my faith in you is the only thing i ever really need to survive thank you LORD. amen

Yupps thats about all the people i have to thanl. leaving for hongkong in one to two days time. that is wednesdya. haven;t even packed yet. have ballet today. ahh.forgot to say that i wrote 11 poems today! i think thats cause i was inspired.
i watched the movie sylvia yesterday. it was on the life of sylvia plath. it was quite a disturbing show though. but it revelaed to me alot about sylvia plath's life which was quite disconcertin ! :] belh
byebye
kranjii waves his paw and pants at you as well

2005-06-05T14:27:00.000+08:00

ah. its over. i'm feeling so much better now. i guess going to church today really helped.

congratulations to melissa,sean,claire and clarence for either getting baptised or confirmed!.. its great to see youths saying a public declaration in their faith for God.

today, after church i hurried of to stage-a-fair to support e-hui. bought a handphone band from her. it was quite fun, but i had to go meet ym parents after their bible study meeting, so i had to leave early.

the emotional breakdown is over. i guess cause yesterday i read the jeremiah verse that Thersa introduced to us after her accident. and this morning when i woke up i just thought

its a new day. a new start.

yes.

anyway, my writing has been pretty garbled and not pellucid at all like it used to be. i guess thats because my emotions weren't very clear at all. in a highly modulated voice, i guess my writing wouls sound good. but if you read it in your mind you'll be pretty confused.

my diary has been messes and messes of scribling because its when i go through the hardest times that i write the most. it may not be my best work, -because best work only happens when i'm clear-headed. -, but it's my deepest and most passionate work. and i guess it should be that way.

i feel so much better now. and i thank the Lord.

i shall update my fictionpress soon if i feel like it so y'all can look under giselle forester of www.fictionpress.com comment if you will, but please let it be constructive ones and not insulting sardonic comments which may either

1. hurt me very much

2. make me stop writing

number two is very true becase once this person said something really bad bout one piece of my work. and i didn't write or atleast i didn't publish anymore for 6 months.

i guess i'm very afraid of criticism.but i thank that guy/girl because it made me stronger against other comments which is a good skill for a writer.

i'm leaving for hongkong in 2-3 days which is this wednesday morning. so later i'll be doing my last shoutouts. to the people who mean the most to me. solook out for that. although now..norbody even comes to my poor darling of a depressed blog. i'm going to be picking up th things though.

but you're no going to be really reading any narration likewise as before

i love all of you[ hmmm..but to be truthful i don't really like a few]

and to lucinda: i don't crush him anymore

see? i'm back to my flamboyant playful self already

2005-06-03T16:08:00.000+08:00

i changed my computer screen today.
thats all i can say in response to a halt in my heart.
how disconerting.
its got to end soon.

2005-06-02T14:06:00.000+08:00

so afraid. that i'll lash out with no control just like before
i can't carry on
not anymore

2005-06-01T20:22:00.000+08:00

Emotional breakdown. just laugh and i feel better
Joshua Woo is the one that you love.
• Benedict Lee is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Woo E-hui.
• Pearlyn Ler is the one who knows you very well.
• AliceaTan is your lucky star.
• Lough Erin Shore is the song that matches with Joshua Woo.
• Girl On TV is the song for Benedict Lee.
• Breathless is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and The tide is high is the song telling you how you feel about life

2005-06-01T20:06:00.000+08:00

i am sorry for what the last post said. that is not me. and its not the side of me you usually see. i'm really sorry.
normally i ponder and think before writing and typing out what i want to say, what i want to keep private and confidential, and what i want all of you to know

all that i said is true though
i guess ony my blog you'll find a completely different side of me that you probably did not know existed until you read this

today. was. the. last. straw

i can't stand it, my bridge of smiles has collapsed fallen into the water below it and swept away like high tide.
its gone all the strength if i ever had any is gone
i have to face it, i can't run away or hide from it anymore
no longer
give me time.
i have to admit it and tell myself the truth instead of deluding myself.
i am having an emotional breakdown.

2005-06-01T19:51:00.000+08:00

i know that its coming. its happening all over again. she's taking every thing away from me and trying to make me desolate and alone. to see me wallowing in self pity will make her rise her victory flag in the face of my white surrendering one.
its all going to come too fast too quickly.

too brutal

i hope she carries on the way she is with that girl, because i'm throughly sick of her. i know she dislikes me, but i don't like her not only for destroying my frienship but also for always looking at me as if i'm a little girl and that i wouldn't understand what she was going to say.
yes i hope she carries in the way she is with that girl. her life will change so much that she will probably start stooping to her same level

~~oh joy!~~

i think its abosolutely certain that she will end up in a dersive state. garbling her words to me and asking me to take her back again, to be friends with her after she left me
well let me remind you of your debauched state previously:
you sang hurting and wicked songs about me to the whole class, pretending to be such a nice person on the outside, when you were actually a manipulative girl, with a bloodless body and an unfeeling heart

thats the way you are , and were and will always be.
winding people around your little finger so that you can manipulate them and mould them like soft putty

pathetic.

you are forever talking about leading a good, righteous life and always going on about your pastor and your church well i think you should just about shut your stinking mouth and go to your freaking bed where you can think about all the bad things you have done while putting on a seriously false appearance

I HATE YOU

2005-05-31T17:04:00.000+08:00

i love people. they are my inspiration. i love everybody around me even those who have hurt me.

it has been in my deepest and darkest sorrows that i have written my best poems. because then. words were my only solace..

prose was bad today and poetry sunddenly popped up. i think thats great how i can change from one to another and not find it difficult or end up turning my poetry into paragraphs prose. i wrote 6 poems today not breaking my record of seven, but 2 of them were horrible because even after i read them i felt chilly. i think my poems need to be happier instead of hinting and desolance. i shall bring my diary to hongkong where i shall wwrite and write and write write on the plane, in the train, maybe even on the hotel.

but i doubt i'll write prose, i can never write prose where i'm not familiar, thatas why nearly all my prose is written in the hidey hole. but poetry could lead me anywhere as long as i want it to.

inspiration come forth and hit me. thats what i tell myself when i get a panic attack of writer's block and not be able to think of anything to write for just one day. i imagine inspiration as a river and me a thirsty african girl. and suddenly the river runs dry. it chills me. sacres me. makes me want to cry out for help, yet all the while knowing that i'll get it back.

that's because i am emotional. crying and smiling all the time, and never wanting to be a faceless person. i have to show it so that i don't need to tell you. its surprising that i write.

yes. tuesday just slipping away and i'm glad i can't wait for NEXT tuesday to come. next tuesday at 6 i shall stop working completely, play with kranjii for one hour and watch TV the whole night. i just can't wait. one week seems so far awy

wenesday

thursday

friday

saturday

sunday

monday

TUESDAY!!!!!

oh joy oh rapture oh happy day

i'm speaking like an old english school boy

i'll be ticking the days of my hands

can't wait, just can't wait

expectancy.

2005-05-31T16:58:00.000+08:00

ahhh. family.close knit. it releives me and lures me into a sense of sevurity, then i lunge out because it reples me so..
ahhh.
i am feeling funny now. like i want it to come faster but then maybe if it does come then i won't think its that great anymore. i'm earning for it
hidey hole was my comfort today. i just needed some quiet after being distracted the whole morning. and after that i was rejuvenated
the tuesday is coming to and end and tomorrow will be mid week how time passes is a mystery to me.
E-hui, come back soon!

2005-05-30T17:47:00.000+08:00

somehow..i've managed to pass the days pretty wel..just studying and going to my hidey hole to read poetry.

oh! i haven't old you about ym hidey hole. its actually just my cupboard..but i've made this large space in it and ther'e this whole stash of poetry, three torchlights and a bit of food....

i think its one of my favourite places in the world..

ahh..i shall be leaving for hongkong soon..and i'm really excited although a little scared of the aeroplane flight though

i've been reading alotof old poetry instead of modern poerty these days. i just borrowed the complete works of william blake and D.H. lawreence's works and poems.. its amazing how they manage to churn out so much, when i juts spin methaphorical tales which seem endlesly boring in comparison to what they write

i feel inferior to them, when i think of how proud i felt after writing my first poem

today i wrote 5 pages of prose. it was rather exciting, yes. i can't seem to write any poems though. my fiction press account..is rather stagnant..and nobody "buys" my poems anymore..mostly becuase i'm not publishing anything.

i need more than what i'm feeling now to get it all out, it is really difficult

but i know that through a little careful observation and things of suh..i will be able to write a poem. i hope its not after some bout of rain though. the BBC said that they recieve over 2 million poems on rain everytime there is a storm

i don't really want to be inspired by these things like rain and sun. i want to write about rain when it is a blue sunny day and write about sun when its wintry. but so far the only poem i ever wrote which as in some way connected to nature was the friend which was about a tree.

i need something. i have this tingling sensation in me that i want something. its like knowing a name on the tip of your tongue and then losing it. but i don't know what it is as antonio says in the mechant of venice" in sooth i know not why i am so sad"..i think that sums just about my feelings right now. just that actually, i'm feeling rather cryptic and zealous now.. not very sad i just felt like putting it down becuase it sounded good in my mouth. I think i may be a firebrand. [thats not a name of some kind of product or somehthing...its a real english word], but actually i'm quite a good listener. come to me anytime and share your sorrows with me i may not be able to solve your problems but at leats you can talk about it. i won't necessarily take your side. but i will encourage and concole you. after all come to me for solace not for siding .

i still have that feeling. i think i'll know what it is when it comes....

2005-05-28T21:10:00.000+08:00

facing the seashore expanse of books
singing the song of the rainbow
flitting through the petals of the rose
laughing as the wind rises

so i sing my song
and eyes light up as you
pass

as an arrow through a cloud.
as you leave
as i
do.

++make sense? just completely forget it+++

2005-05-28T20:52:00.000+08:00

its been a wonderful night, besides the fact that i was duely embarrassed, but i guess without things like that i'll never be me. shan't elaborate i have other things to talk about. well,i've just about it muled it over, turned it over and over in my head, till its a sooth round ball

~~its difficult to like somebody, and not let him know it.~~
serously cancel cancel that. i need to write it out here, but at the same time i don't want you all to know. locked diary sounds good huh. but no, i shall have to stick to this one
imagine, it took me 13 pages in my big dat A4 diary and just about an expanse of 5 hours to think about it and make me come to that one sentence which all of you will think to be just about cliche, childish, immature and unexperienced. Forget it, say no more, i am that way. I'm like bubble gum, soft at first and sweet then it .loses its taste, becomes tougher, harder, harder to sallow, harder to chew. howvever i think i'm too young to like somebody. infatuation is just plain ol wasting time.however writing in diaries are NOT forms of wasting time
bleargh...shall delete this post soon.....i actually wrote out my whole diary here, then i thought it over and realised that i was revealing MUCH TO MUCH considering i used 'that persons' real name. bleargh how stupid.

2005-05-28T16:15:00.000+08:00

"warning. this is a useless post, because its narration, i'm lost for words about what i'm feeling now..i need to write it in my private journal. then mull it over before writing it here, i need some time to think.lots of time to think. so just read the below and think i'm actually feeling like that , you'll realise its very different from my usual disjointed style"

+++

darn...just spent $40.00 on the whole series of tony parsons' books..i think i'm compelled to buy books, more than borrow them from the library, cause i love to re-read my books. mmmm one of the books are second hand..cause i've read it and borrowed it from the library before. my mum bought the lady's assasin hardcover..bleargh! 50 over bucks..i want to buy sylvia plath's unabridged jouranals, i'm actually reading it now...i shall bring that book and the collected poems to hongkong. shall buy lots of stuff from hongkong..as many notebooks and books to last a life time

i fell like buying a digicam.. how much is one? i want to bring it to honkong and i also want to upload pictures onto the computer and here as well...shall ask e-hui when she comes back from china..boopoo..miss her,..={ ] that '{' thing is a moustache my the way...booboo but forget it =]

2005-05-28T10:55:00.000+08:00

10.41 in the morning now. i've just been studying....hmm that brings me to the slang part of my blog+++studying hard=mugging..????? don't you think thats very unprecise and insuccint.....its so difficult to understand slangs..like mugging for exampl ! do you know what a mugger is?? A ROBBER! thats right! a person who goes up to you puts a knife to your neck and says give me all your money ori'll kill you." i've been mugging the whole morning"=I've been robbing and stealing things from other people by threatening them with a knife the whole morning. YAY!hmmm i don't understand slangs you know...they're very diificult to understand. i don't really like abbrievations either, likeBRB=be right back...why don't you just TYPE be right back then, some people even tell me on the phone that " hey.. sorry ar? mum calling me...brb"=[boo+++i think the use of correct english, approipiate metaphors and suitable tone is very important. i think yesterday while talking to somebody she completely intepreted my tone wrong..i was telling her that i didn't even research on the CS essay. she immediately jumped to conclusisons that i was telling her i was very clever..then she gave me that "you saying you very clever right?" kinda look and voice!
=[
bleh
+++
i hate to be misubderstood, and i hate people to misunderstand be espically on purpose..because its very frustrating
+++ here is another disjointed section don't read it, just needed to get something out+++
like birds flying in the sky so high, like eggs dripping with oil. my feelings for you are ever reminscence, and never allthere, or ominnipotent. i am the goddess of sorrow, and you the messenger of love, like orange is to blue and tears are to green.so i know you, and you know me. yet when we are together. we stick like to glue, and are yet all the more so alone. its frustrating to know that, you are the leaf on the dead , rotting tree. and i am an apple green not ripe and already fallen, and thrown away. such things leave me in despair. oh woe,oh sorrow, come and consume me and take me all away. sweep me from thi spain. tranport to my own world, where i am the castle, and you the chair of rushing hitherto and there
+++its over.its not about a boy, its not about an imangenary friend bleagh+++

+++

imaginary friend huh? would it be nice to have that.. to have something no one else can see or something that you don't need to share with your siblings?
~~~back to work

2005-05-27T20:09:00.000+08:00

ah. miss e-hui alicea and pearlyn sooo much!!!!!! i don't know how many times i said that waahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i miss you all. should have gone to china too! poopoo

COME BACK FASTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+++I LOVE YOU

+++

2005-05-27T15:48:00.000+08:00

everyday, is another 24 hours, everyday is another bout of turmoil, hapiness, everyday is a rollercoaster ride. i was much terrified by the announcement by Mrs Phua today, saying that blogging is very dangerous, she said that we were exposing ourselves to the public,letting out our whole life to them and showing them who we are. I think thtas not very true. blogging isn't dangerous, in fact, blogging has helped me through many a sad time. well, today may be a long post, and it will be disjointed, uncensored,loud, mellowed, and hard to understand. but please don't try [ to understand that is]. i think it'll just make me more mad about why people can't understand why i am the way I am.

today, i made a bowl out of clay. i may never be happy in my whole life, but i was content, i was touching the bowl the whoel way home,observing the spirals, and watching the way i got mersmerised by its turns and circles. and how i was reminded of the feeling when i walked into the dragon kiln. the atmosphere was completely different, it was as if i could really feel the effort, time, love, passion, desire, hardowrk, determination, body, mind, sould and heart put in to all the different works. I think i rather like pottery, it reassures me, and tells me that something is real, and down to earth, i don't know whether i'm living a dream or not, it confuses me sometimes why this world exists in the first place. Maybe i will take up pottery someday. Maybe, Maybe not?
+++ here comes the disjointed part
the trip back was horrendous, i sat looking at the window like staring at a ripe warm egg. and i did not know what to do. was i to out up a saccharine appearance, and carry on, when my heart was bleeding? was i to sit there in stony silence, while the seat was divided in 4. there were five but to you there were 4. and i didn't know what to do, because you were so cruel to me. i slept after around half of the journey, but although my body was sleeping my mind was wide awake. running through my head were thoughts. jogging through my brain were feelings. and crawling through my heart were questions. Lies imprinted in the deep of the body, are like chinese calligrpahy, brushy, flighty, soft-y, unable to put your finger on it, but still knowing its there. happiness is like the plain bland of the marshes in cold England, where you walk and never stop. and yet i sit, and lie and wait, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to think. and it all rushes back, all the memories of before, all the feeling of once forgotten
+++okay its over
i miss e-hui, pearlyn and alicea so much. i really do. now i know that i really love them, and thats why today in dragon iln i kept wondering what they were doing. can't wait for them to get back, then we can meet up, but will they levae me one day?or will i once again be left here, all alone
i think the feeling of desolation is hard to understand. i'm rather confused right now, just w
wondering

2005-05-26T11:50:00.000+08:00

there are so many issues in my life right now,i don't even now how to adress them. itws weird when you think people don't know when they do.

does that even make sense to what this post is supposed to be about

yesteraday, the history project got out of hand. and i was just so tired. i cried the whole night. thinking and just reading her msn nicknmae over and over again. it was being stabbed in the stomach over and over again, punched in the face over and over again. slapped on the cheek over and over again, insulted to the core over and over again.

her sacarsm, really was bad, i am sacarstic myself but mine veers more to the side of lame ness. one of her comments went like this:

everybody already knows you alwats get kicked out of groups. you never have friends at all. first jazreen kicked you out. then jade. than theophila. than jade. than us. you are a freakin idiot

words cut so deep they're etched into the unkown. they blind my vision, and caress that bubbling volcanoe in my head.

why must you torment me in this manner? By telling everybody that everybody kicks me out of groups. I want to say something back, because you are the same. but i can't. at least i have a heart knowing that i won't say these things directly in your face to hurt you.

but then why me? why direct all your complaints and inefficeinceis to me. why hurt me? why? why me? why???? give me an explanation

please

its starting to hurt more and more the more i think about it, the more i see those words running in fron of me. the more i hear those words whispering in my head reminding me of my oast

why?

why must you rake up the past, why must you? to let me be reminded of my former self?to spite me and lure me into the darkness of my worn out past? to lie and to hurt and to kill my soul?

why?

questions are only questions if they can be answered. but somehow, i just don't want to know the answer to these questions,

why?

because i don't want to see face. if if i do i shall be tempted to wring it like rinsing water out of a dirty cloth. i don't want to talk to you, or hear your voice anymore. if i do i shall be sorely tempted to slap your face left right centre. i don't want to think about you anymore. i i do i shall cry. and never stop. my soul is bleeding. my esteem as gone through turmoil. and yet you still live happily, not caring. i bet you didn't even lose any sleepless seconds out of this. or even thought of what you said, or thought of the consequences of what you said

i am so glad that the holidays are here, i don't need to see you for at least one more month

but that will never be enough for my wounds to heal, i shall lick them and they shall burn like fire in the plains of australia, like stars in the night of the sky. and i shall hate all the same. yes i shall hate. i shall not dislike nor be neutral but i shall hate to the core. from the inside to the outside. from anything to everything i shall hate you

and i shall not forgive nor forget, because you have hurt me so much. i shall forgive one day, yes i will, one day much later. but never forget.

never

its too deep in, to pry it out

apologies [although you will never have that] will bounce of me, not entering not registering because the pain has blinded everything. seeing my name on your msn nickname shall instill fear and recurr that pain in me forever.

it hurts so much

i'm numb, i can't feel anything

anymore

please stop it, the voices in my head, whispering, mumbling, shouting, fghintg, stop it.stop all that talking. stop telling me to turn back. the air in my body, stop it, stop churning, stop flowing, the blood in my body. stop it. stop earming, stop pumping stop moving.

everybody just stop, everything just stop because i have. stuck here, in my groove, i can'tmove on, i don't seem to be able to. the hears aren'tmoving anymore. and the energy is lost. the passion is gone. the results are lacklustre.

there is no more love, at least for me to give to you. and there are no more hugs for me to give to you. i can give you a hug, and you shall say i can't keep my word

but to me a hug is love, and care, it is encouragement, and tender fond feelings with affectionate touches, and never ending moments,

my hug to you will never be like that. it shall be cold. hard. unfeeling it will be like hugging a iron pillar, putting your arms around an onx of hatred which has been polished over the years, till it shines in the light from the fire

and suddenly i shall disintegrate, and a pool of plood will flow from me, taking a detour and encircling your foot. enclosing you in my fate. my fate that you decided. and you shall laugh

and i shall be gone

insn't that what you want? your mind is just filled with thoughts of getting rid of me. hurting me.. pushing me away. why? why me?

and then another question resounds in my head why not me?

philosphy is not anything. i do not beleive in it. it is plain airless matter, and has no meaning nor life. but love is matter love is life itself,. it becauseof God's love that he made use

it because of your love of violence and sacarsm, that my life of esteem has ended.

all thanks to you

now i shall emerge from a nreak of sad feathers and soppy eggs, to tell you this

I'm sick of you. entirely tired in all entirety. eternally, exhasuted. mentally drained. but i shall pick myself up again. becuase after a whoe night of thinking, i've decided that the moreyou tease me and the more you be sacarsticto me. the stronger i will become against you

and then i shall build my wall of defence, which is strong, and it shall not fall, because thw love of many other people is in there,

you see, i am different from you. i do not wallow in self pity when people do not want me. it talk about it. write about it, then move one, until now you're still raking up the past,unwilling to let go, o have let go.so much. that. i'm. flying

flying away from you, flying away from your huting remarks. and flying away from your everything your anything your inside your outside.

flying away in bliss, happniess. while you become an old grouse, with memories of the past, but no hope for the future

thats what i'm doing now, flying flying to all the good friends, BEST friedns that i have now. all the new people that i have found to be better than you.

So now, i have left that paradigm of complaint, and am in a new dimension of new begginings.

so i thank you, for being like that towards me, without that, i would have been stuck with you forever, and never be able to come out of my coccon. but i have mangaed to break free, and happy, all thanks to yor constant "pushing" and "prep talks" all thanks to you, and your hurt, and vehemnecy, and all thanks to others benevolence, kindness and friendliness.

I am contentedly happy now, with not a care in the world about what you think, what you say, what you tell, what you show, or what you lie about. Lies that you have told

ahh, i can fill over a 100 blog posts of your lies for that. but i shan't because its just useless and my aim is to go forward, not lean bacl like you are doing now. so i shall \

climb up the ladder step by step with others pulling at me with ropes from on top, supporting me with love from below. and you shall stay at the bottom of the ladder, too afraid to go one, dragged down by the many memories you have collected and do not want to let go of.

i am happy. and i love my life now

i'm in love with my life. and i know that i can do anything i want to change it for the better

I'm moving on, without you.

i'm moving on, without you to somewhere, somplace better

better than now, better than anything you can ever have

because i think so, and no matter what you say, i'll just tell you ths:

okay, i hope you don't really mean what you say, but nevermind,. i accept your opinions because they don't matter to me that much anymore"

thanks, but not to you

thanks to e-hui, pearlyn alicea claire elissa ze lei camilla cheryl yun hui rhea yue yun cheryl loh, rachel yew and God.

for all your support and help and love and guidiance and just being you all to help me be myself and help me learn to courage is greater than fear. and love, is greater than hate

I love ALL of you!!!

kexin

2005-05-26T10:04:00.000+08:00

whooshiwdoodod. i'm here again. i have to make a vailiant effot in kmproving my chinese and getting into the top ten of my class this year, i must try harder. my first aim is to beat somebody close and easy. do i sound evil i don't care. i MUST DO BETTER. i hate sucky results. i MUST GET ALL A"S. i sound freakiesh now don't i?

heck

e-hui, alicea and pearlyn are leaving for china soon....12 hours more...so exiciting..... shall miss them tomorrow waahhhh

poo finished comp studies essay damnnation lar

poo bahhh waggagagag

i am so dead

time to goooooo

history project is such a loser okay. instructions so confusing. and people don't wnat to cooperate. then after that the things that one person said, she didn't fufill. then i think she's worng there. sorry jia hui. i have been very mean to you for projects and yes i think hui shan should print for you, becuase i thought that was the whole point all the time, that we were going to print for you. SORRY!!!

hahas damn i'm bitching again

blahhhhh

E-HUI I LOVE LOVELOVELVOVELVOVEYOU

PEARLYN I LOVELVOEVLOVELOVELOVELOVELOVELO YOU

ALICEA I LOVELOVELOVELVOVELVOELVEO YOU

BAHHHHH can't even type properly....baaaaaaahhhhhh

i am a goat bahhh

i am crapping now..........shittess

aiya

shall stop

kranjii lick his noxe

kexin lick hers

2005-05-25T19:00:00.000+08:00

would it REALLY matter that much if i was uncool? i think not. i think i am a cool freak.peopl'es opinions of me matter alot. i will be hurt if you tell me that my socks are too high, but at the same time, i wil be hurt inwardly as well if i get booked for low socks. isn't that the irony of life. I RECOMMEND THAT WE ABOLISH BOOKINGS!!! yesh thats one matter i have to consider about my life the cool part
the next matter i have to condiser about my life is the colour i like. does this sound very lame?? not to a artsy person like me. please do not think that i am boasting. to me evrything that i like, wear or talk about would describe the kind of person i am, i like lime green but orange is nice too. and blue is peaceful and white is just neutral
next, am i prejudiced against certain teachers like our computer studies teacher??
finally, who am I? and what do i want to be?
i think i just ask these questions because i'm in the angsty period. But i think i'll be able to sort them out soon enough
I hate PTD all the teacher does is to crap. there isn'tmuch to say anyway, i mean doesn't the results say most of it . the teacher just explains it to the parents which is rubbish
oh pooh. i just finsihed history, and i'm going to do computer studies next.
like double pooohhhh
I shall be sticking to this layout for some time cause e- helped me do the pics. HAHA
we did it while waiting for literature.
i'm chatting to pearlyn now. the pro pet bottle pro-er. hahahs
my skirt got dirtied on tuesday, cuase i did something daring i went behind the track seats with pearlyn climbed up the hill and retrieved our prize winning pet bottle. i felt so brave. but i was damn scared that there was going to be snakes or something
i so forgot to hand up my drama assignment poopopopoppoppopopo
and i am strting to have a liking in callking people popo. like i did to alicea on msn msessenger this afternoon
somethings up with my eyes i think i need eyedrops baaahhhhhhhhhh
meepss i'm using so much onomatopoeia
can't decide whether to take full lit full geog or full hist i did best for geog. i like lit the most. and i think history is interesting how to choose????
hahas dilmena or however you spell it my english sucks the house down
time to write damn computer studies essay slacked the whole day away except for doing history project bahhhh
popo
kexin
kranjii waves his paw

2005-05-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

hello agauin. i have many observations and stuff that i noted down today, but i shan't write them down here becausethey are VERY irritating note they ARE about deoderants
humph
aniwaes finished the big walk it was really fun me and lucinda are the marathon champions
kranjii says hi too
he's been very hyper
i slacked pretty much the whole day, then got hyper when i found the poem for literature poetry collection. i knew i had read the poem somewhere, and then suddenly it hit me Sylvia Plath!! so i went to the net to find, it anf there it was, YAH!!!
bahhhhh, still got reflections to do and chinese project and science project and literature project and english project and geogprahy project and hisotry project and so many damn projects they only subject which id on't have project for is.......NONE
i even have project for math the stupid pythagoras theorem thingo
hahas
but its actually quite interesting
got quite a bunch of holiday homework not looking forward to strating on that
and e hui i'm glad it freaks you out HA
lol
okay thtas all
lolo
kranjii wagged his tail
oh yeah HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICTORIA AND EUGENIA!!

2005-05-21T13:15:00.000+08:00

hello people i have started another blog. i guess i do trust words the most. but this blog is going to be deeper not shallow. i hope i don;t sound like i'm boasting that i'm 'deep' or anything

yeshyesh

yoyoyo